OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL
CAREER OPPORTUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT
PORNOGRAPHIC FILM EVALUATOR-Level 1
Would you like to have the taxpayers foot the bill for you to rent or buy all the pornographic films you want, and then pay you an incredible salary along with an unlimited expense account to watch them all day, every day, even on your home computer? And if you have what it takes, would you like to occasionally work undercover as male or female talent using government-supplied fake IDs?
Would you like to become one of a privileged and prestigious elite who possess an arbitrary, capricious and almost supernatural power to decide which pornographic films are obscene and not fit for other responsible adults of legal age to own, rent and/or view simply because in our opinion, they are merely common citizens who do not possess sufficient intelligence to decide for themselves?
If you answered: “Hell yes!” then the Attorney General of the United States wants to talk to you about an exceptional entry-level employment opportunity that has the highest priority ranking of the President. No resume required…Just call us.
JOB DESCRIPTION AND DUTIES
Upon acceptance as an Evaluator Candidate, you will enter a fully paid extensive and grueling pre-appointment training and indoctrination curriculum. You will learn the principles of subjective judgment, arbitrary and capricious censorship, selective compliance, prior restraint and quota management. Successful graduates will then receive their Commission as a “Pornographic Film Evaluator-Level 1”, reporting directly to the lead attorney for the Obscenity Prosecution Task Force.
At that time, in addition to an extremely competitive salary, you will receive an unlimited taxpayer-funded expense account to purchase and review all types of XXX-Rated pornographic films under a special immunity and privilege covenant authorized by the President of the United States. Armed with your newly-acquired powers of subjective judgment, you will “call the shots” to determine which films qualify as “obscene” and thus subject the producers to indictment and prosecution.
QUALIFICATIONS AND PREREQUISITES
No educational requirements. Just be at least 18 years of age, a prude, but with a dirty mind and a huge ego. Experience watching porn is a plus, especially if you did it while under the age of 18 and hid it from your parents. Salary commensurate with attitude…Must pass a psychiatric evaluation and be able to maintain focus. When viewing films alone, you must resist the urge to masturbate, or if viewing films with a colleague, you must resist the urge to engage that colleague in sexual activity. You must be able to view a minimum of six (6) pornographic films daily. Superior performance may lead to an Expert Witness Certification by the Federal Court. Equal Opportunity Employer M-F.