Comments on: Relationships, part 5: It’s Not Love

By: firstorlast

firstorlast — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 12:49:48 +0000

Great, insightful article, Julie. If one were to change a few names, this could easily be about me and my ex fiance.

By: juliemeadows

juliemeadows — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 01:03:27 +0000

lol Doug is definitely a keeper. :) I tried to explain to someone somewhere that it could have been love with Stephan, but that level was never given a chance because it lacked that important element you mentioned - trust. And I agree with you, honesty is the most important thing. In fact, I knew what he was about when we met, and I did care for him, but he tried so hard to convince me it wasn't true, and I'm a trusting person. It is the way with people who don't trust others that they create ways to push people away. In fact, he blatantly pushed a mutual friend away by finally being very honest, "I'd rather have respect than friendship," thereby severing any friendly bond they had, yet not realizing that respect is rooted in trust and friendship. ?? I guess there are other kinds of respect? Fear-respect? Crazy world. Someone hurt him and I hope he has or is mending. Feeling love is a good thing! Well, it's suppose to be a good thing. lol

By: Angel Delight

Angel Delight — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:00:05 +0000

Hmm…love…Let me give my own viewpoints on the matter. They say the love between a parent/child is unconditional, whereas the love between two partners is conditional.
It is a different type of love. A different level.
A child could put the parent through all seven shades of hell and the parent would still love him/her.
Whereas a partner could cheat, lie, be mentally/physically/emotionally abusive, and the other partner could feel that love slipping away, eroding and decaying.
The three components that go up to make a relationship between two people work, is love, trust and respect. Once one of those start to go, it begins affecting the other two.
And especially in the case of trust, it is very hard, if not impossible for some people to regain.
I actually work with a man who blatantly told me he loved his son more than his wife. This man’s viewpoints are skewed in other areas to me,(he can be chauvinistic and sexist) but this opinion reinforced in me one of the reasons why I do not want kids. I would want my partner’s love all to myself.
Whether of course, he was right is open to question.
I believe that you did care for Stephan but were not in love with him. Perhaps I am wrong, but that was the impression I got. It is so easy to mistake infatuation lust and caring for love. It is a strong word. Psychlogists reckon the opposite of love is not hate…it is indifference. Not caring. Example: I am indifferent to my first boyfriend who cheated on me with my best friend’s sister.

Stephan seems to have a lot of issues towards women that he needs to work on. His insecurity made him think it was ok to be a “player”and date lots of women at once. This would have been fine if all the women knew about it and were in agreement to it all but I can guarantee you that they didn’t know. It gave him power. But. he apologised, at least that was something. Black and white thinking is easier for people to handle…but life is lived in shades of grey. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, I believe it is always best to be honest, monogamous and have good communication. I cannot understand people who have more than one partner or date around. I am just not wired that way. 🙂

Doug seems like a keeper though!So kudos for that choice! :))

By: juliemeadows

juliemeadows — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 15:26:29 +0000

I think it’s an easy mistake because no one clarifies it or makes the distinction, and I know guys who’ve done it, too. We all have a nurturing side and when we do happen to have chemistry with someone, it can be all too easy to mistake caring for love and then somehow feel obligated to help that person even if it greatly puts us out. I know one male in particular who spent quite a few years caring for a woman who was an absolute mess, and in the end, it didn’t help her much at all. It could have saved him a lot of trouble just knowing he cared for her and wasn’t in love, because he might not have tortured himself as much. That’s not to say he wouldn’t have helped her, he just might not have been as miserable.

Hey! Is that what Dirty Bob meant by “get a dog?” Smart ass. No thanks. I prefer cats. 😀

By: monicaf

monicaf — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 08:44:39 +0000

Very insightful piece. I like how you wrote about how now you realize that the guy you were on and off with, was simply someone who you felt “needed to be cared for”. I think that I may have mistaken certain situations in life for love, when in actuality it wasn’t.

By: juliemeadows

juliemeadows — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:08:18 +0000

Get a dog? Wha??

I will check that out. I guess, in a way, I am providing my own scientific explanation. In a way…

By: backspace

backspace — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:52:38 +0000

i’m gonna have to watch that movie again. all i remember was how hot the lead actress was….lol

i’m not sure science can explain everything either but I will say that the scientific *method* is without a doubt the best way to arrive at truth. Life experiences are scientific observations and if you collaborate that data with lab research (i.e. neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, etc.) i believe it will better help you explain your thoughts and feelings. maybe….who knows…i don’t…..lol!!

here’s one other food for thought i’d like to share with you. It’s from Dr Helen Fisher a somewhat well known anthropologist who posits (via Wikipedia and her book Why We Love):

humanity has evolved three core brain systems for mating and reproduction:
lust – the sex drive or libido.
attraction – early stage intense romantic love.
attachment – deep feelings of union with a long term partner.

Her ideas are worth a read and listen when it comes to *love*. Incomplete in my opinion but interesting nevertheless.

Have a great weekend!

MIKE SOUTH ROCKS!

By: juliemeadows

juliemeadows — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:13:49 +0000

P.S. – Thank you ‘backspace’. You had asked this question earlier in this whole series thing and I appreciate your asking because it forced me to find the words to explain it. I’ll read that article at greater length because I think science can explain almost everything. Almost…

Seriously, thank you. 🙂

By: juliemeadows

juliemeadows — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:57:05 +0000

Hey... have you ever seen a movie called "Species"? They actually talk about that. Funny. Only human beings would dance around a topic a million times in their head before coming to the conclusion that they are just like other animals on the planet. lol I'm a big advocate for life experience, and maybe I just have too much life experience (lol), but my belief is that the more you know, the more complicated life becomes, and simple truths sometimes just won't do. I have met thousands of people, studied them all in one way or another, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that many trip over what they think is love because they don't know any better, because we're taught to cater to love and we're taught that so many emotional human instances are "love" when it is really some lesser version of it. How many people would be saved from the game-playing stakes if they knew they were just infatuated? Sure, most would still play the game, anyway, but they'd know what they were doing, or at least have a better idea, and it might even make the art of playing more fun. Truth is, until you know... you just don't know. Then again, just when I think I actually know something, I usually fall on my face. I do know I was not in love, which is not to belittle the experience or the lessons I learned, it's just to say that it wasn't fucking love. lol

By: backspace

backspace — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:18:46 +0000

maybe it was love but love simply went away. i think nowadays civil ex-lovers simply tolerate each other out of common decency or maybe even for the sake of their children. maybe love doesn’t have to go away but societal constrictions force us to make drastic decisions. I don’t know. This is all over my head…lol. Polyamory begins to make more and more sense to me each day.

Check out this link when you get a chance:

http://www.nouvelles.umontreal.ca/udem-news/news/20100418-study-reveals-a-mechanism-for-mate-selection.html

It talks about a new study on mate selection. topics like love, morality, ethics, and spirituality always seemed off-limits to science but i think everything can be explained more sensibly using the scientific method. Great post!