My mother doesn’t approve of my lifestyle

I did what every good son should do once in a while. I took my mom out for a nice lunch at a five star hotel recently. My single mother pretty much funded my entire career when I was first starting out, so I try as often as I can to show her my continued thanks for believing in me during those early years.

Even though I wasn’t raised in an overly repressive household, the topic of sex never came up at all throughout my entire teenage years. I avoided it like Ed Powers avoids multiple camera operators. I didn’t want any part of that uncomfortableness. I’ve never even said the words shit or fuck in front of my mother. I’ve always kept a division between the debauchery of my LA life and the subdued mommas boy once I hit the Bay Area city limits.

That’s why I was completely shocked out of my fucking mind the other day when we sat down for lunch and my mom brought up my sex life for the first time ever. She had known of previous girlfriends during the early to mid 1990’s, but I completely shut down the “meet my mother” phase of my relationships once I left the monogamy train for good and the average age of women in my life began dropping faster than NASDAQ.

There is no right answer to give your mom when she expresses concern that you’re going to be alone, not married, and end up being some old fucking man who eats at the same restaurant every day because he has no loved ones. It’s not like you can just blurt out to your mother that you aren’t alone because you enjoy being single and fucking whoever you feel like it without the boundaries of monogamy and having to be accountable to someone. I’m also not going to tell my mom that I enjoy spending time with women who like to bring their friends over to play ” The Steve Lick Bat Web Scrotum Human Dental Dam Challenge”. I’m only 37. If I can someday find a compatible woman who isn’t completely bi-polar and enjoys a non-monogamous lifestyle as much as I do, I wouldn’t be opposed to getting married. In fact, I’m not even saying I want to go out and fuck other women while my wife is unknowingly at home home raising our children. I hate those kinds of assholes. I just have always been attracted to the kinds of women who are confident enough in their relationship with me and in themselves to want to bring girlfriends home so we can all have fun together.

That is another reason why I have to begin the process of moving back to LA soon. Any girl in the Bay Area who refers to herself as “open minded” usually means that she has more hair growing out of the crack of her ass than I have on the top of my head. I don’t know exactly how I would go about introducing some circus titted San Fernando Valley sex amazon to my mother, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I miss LA women and all the drama that comes with them. I need to end this extended sabatical in hippyville and return home…

You’ll have to deal with me not bringing this story to a conclusion right now because I’m way too distracted thinking about porno makeup artists with bongo tight asses offering to give me ass sex in cars between scenes so I would give them monies to get a “bumps” in the middle of nowhere fucking industrial LA while Kurt Lockwood is pissed off about me even being on set in the first place, but my mom continued to get really personal asking about women in my life and who I was seeing. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Life isn’t about satisfying your mother when it comes to who you date and when you’re going to get married. However, if your mother has a lot of money in the bank that she wants to give you someday, continue to lie your ass off and make your monstro titted porno girlfriends where girdles around their chests when they eventually meet your mother so she will think you’re dating wholesome respectable women who would never think of giving you a prostate massage while her friend who does department store eyebrow waxing for a living is squeezing your bag like she’s a green grocer.