Pt. 3 – Blow Pops, Bourbon Street and Strip Clubs

PART 3 –

I have to admit I was quite intimidated by the process of walking directly through the strip club to find the bathrooms. I didn’t anticipate anything necessarily bad happening, but it just made me nervous since I didn’t really want anyone to actually look at me. I love having as much fun as possible, but I am definitely not an exhibitionist. Strip clubs, in general, revolve around the objectification of women. This also means that being a girl who actually has clothes on compared to the numerous strippers who are pretty much naked actually makes ME stand out which ultimately makes me really uncomfortable. But, I really needed to pee so I didn’t really have a choice.

Oh well, at least my friend Alexis agreed to come with me so I didn’t have to go alone. As I stood up I could actually FEEL people looking at me, so I just kind of kept my head down and walked really fast most of the way while we both tried to make our way to the back of the club. Somewhere along the way my attention got diverted from this mission. I stopped in front of yet another BIG “black suit guy” and looked up to see this fancy sign that said… The Champagne Room!!

I swear, I honestly thought the phrase “The Champagne Room” was just some sort of slang term. I didn’t realize it was the actual name of the private areas of a club? The BIG “black suit guy” just stood there staring at me while I stood in front of him completely fascinated by this bright sign above his head. I finally opened my mouth and the only thing that came out was “It actually says The Champagne Room.” I guess he finally couldn’t hold it in anymore because he just started laughing. I didn’t really want to quiz him on exactly what happens up there so the question “Do they actually serve champagne up there?” flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. This led to him slyly stating “Of course there is…” while winking at me and chuckling to himself. God, I sound like a fucking moron. Oh shit, where did Alexis go? I look over and she is talking to yet another “black suit guy.” How many of these fuckers are there? They’re everywhere!

So, I grab her hand and drag her with me to the bathroom. As I open the door I find two strippers fixing their makeup. One of them turns around and says “omg. I love your hair!!” What the fuck is the deal with strippers and my hair? Alexis and I both pee and while we’re washing our hands and laughing with our new BFF stripper friends another stripper walks in who I later decided to name “Tinkerbell.” I have absolutely no fucking idea what her name was, but she was wearing this pretty green sparkly bra/panty combo that reminded me of Tinkerbell yet she had a manic panic shade of red hair. She kind of reminded me of Uma Thurman’s character, Poison Ivy, in one of the batman movies. I then realized she is the same stripper who was braiding my hair earlier in the night. At this point there are 2 girls and 3 strippers in the same bathroom cracking up laughing together while discussing a wide variety of various subjects. As I’m sitting up on the vanity between 2 sinks Tinkerbell turns to me, lifts my hand and places it on her neck. She then starts, literally, purring. Yes, just like a cat. Or, a human vibrator. Whichever you prefer? It freaked me out at first, but this just led me to profusely beg her to teach me how to purr too!! It was a little tricky because it’s a certain movement of the tongue combined with relaxing of the throat, but I did manage to figure it out at least twice and can still do it to this day. As I’m getting schooled in the art of human purring, my dear friend Alexis decides to open her big fucking mouth to let our new stripper friends know that I’ve never had a lap dance while she excitedly jumps up and down and claps her hands like a seal. Oh great. Thanks Alexis. I’m going to totally kick you in the ass once we leave this club.

I don’t think it’s that big of a surprise that Tinkerbell then became really excited while proclaiming “Oh, you have to let me dance for you!!!” I didn’t even have a fucking chance to answer her before Alexis grabs her hand and then proceeds to drag her out of the bathroom directly to our table.

At this point, Alexis and I had left the table like 20 or 30 minutes ago just to quickly go to the bathroom and we now return with our new BFF stripper friend, Tinkerbell, who tells my husband that she wants to grind and purr on me. Oh great, I’m so fucked. There was no way I could have possibly gotten myself out of the situation. So, I just kind of resigned to the fact that I was going to have to suck it up and get a lap dance. This is going to be beyond embarrassing, but I guess I’ll take one for the team. How did I even get myself in this situation to begin with? Oh yeah, alcohol.

TO BE CONTINUED – CONCLUSION – PART 4 TOMORROW.

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