A 2014 Wish List for Porn Directors

By: Lacey Blake

I was slowly getting sick and tired of talking about the medical crap on here. I wanted something to discuss that had nothing to do with the testing portion of the industry. So, I decided to make my own 2014 wish list to all porn directors. I’m going to try to keep it focused on hetero. b/g porn because that’s the majority of what I watch. Also, for research purposes: Age demographic: 25-35. Gender: Female. Location: USA. As stated previously, I know industry politics quite well. But, I couldn’t even name the top porn film from last year. I could, however, give you HIV statistics. Yeah, we’ll just leave it at that… I don’t know shit about films. Therefore, this list has been compiled from my own viewing whether for personal use or research purposes depending on the topic or subject currently being discussed. So, just to be clear, I’m not some sort of porn historian. This should become obvious pretty quickly.
But, remember it’s all done in fun!!!

1. SO, WHERE’S THE FUCKING GUY?- Do you have any idea how frustrating it is during the pop shot to actually hear a guy moaning or grunting while jerking off and then having to watch his little penis head jerk around on the side edge of the screen, but we never actually get to see the guy? Hello? Females watch porn too, you know?

**WISH 1** During the pop shot, I would like for the camera to zoom in on the ceiling so everyone can hear the action, but can’t see a god damn thing. Actually, you really could just turn out the lights and do the pop shot in the dark. That might work too?
Damn, the guy viewers would be pissed.. 😉

2. FACIAL GAMES – As much as I’ve written about them, everyone should already know my views on facials at this point. But, I do realize there are many out there who like giving, watching and/or receiving facials. No problem. Everyone likes their own thing especially regarding sex. But, as a female viewer, most of the time it’s exactly like watching one of those carnival games where you squirt water from a gun into a clown’s mouth to pop a balloon on top and then win some shitty ass prize. My overall reactions during pop shots vary, but generally start with “Close your eyes!!!” which then sometimes leads to “What a fucking asshole.. right in her eye. Well, I told her to close her fucking eyes.” As you can tell I’m now yelling at my computer. This is not very arousing.

**WISH 2** Male performers should receive prizes for shooting their load directly into a partners mouth. This is not the easiest task and should be rewarded. Probably not with stuffed animals, but I’m sure you’ll think of something? Candy might work?? Or, maybe even fruit?? I’ve heard some porn stars love fruit, especially the guys.

3. SQUIRTING AT A PUSSY – Squirting is a tricky one. Sometimes it works great in a scene and other times it just looks rather ridiculous. But, my main complaint here is when I see a male performer actually playing something similar to dodgeball during the squirting process. It’s not going to kill you, wussy. Plus, she’s letting you shoot a load directly in her face… like right in the vicinity of her eyeballs. Don’t be a pussy. Take that shit like a champ.. and then lick it up off the floor.

**WISH 3** Hire some non-pussy guys who can take a female shot to the face without ducking just like the girls have to do.

4. BOOB ADVICE – I have to admit that I’m really quite pleased that natural boobs have made a comeback. Of course, there are still many boob jobs out there.. but, there have been a few that I would bet money on in Vegas that they were real and then find out they are indeed fake. During these moments, I have an odd desire to go hug their doctor for doing such amazing work. Then there are the obnoxiously fake circus tents, nipples pointing toward the sky, nipples pointing in different directions, boobs that refuse to move while laying down or the worst where you can see the actual implant moving under the skin.. just no.

**WISH 4** If there is any doubt, please get them fixed or removed. I really don’t want to think about Paris Hiltons’ wonky eyes or Farrah Abrahams’ brick tits. Actually, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Abraham had hers fixed recently, but I kindly refuse to verify this. Whether she has nice boobs or ugly boobs, she still looks like a fucking camel.

5. THROAT FUCKING VOMIT – As someone who is outside of the industry, let me assure you there are very few, especially girls, who understand throat fucking or it’s purpose. I get it so it doesn’t really bother me. Most of the time it seems to go on forever, but I’ll deal. I just want to know who came up with the brilliant idea of making someone vomit on a dick. It’s fucking disgusting. Have you ever smelled vomit? It’s like the worst smell in the whole fucking world. Gross.

**WISH 5** Please start issuing “vomit warnings.” Seriously.

6. GANGBANG SUCK-OFFS – To be honest, I don’t watch that many gangbangs. They’re so god damn distracting. The one thing I always notice though is when guys look at other guys during gangbangs. I tend to find this absolutely 100% hysterical so I probably notice it more than others, but if you’re fucking a chick while staring intensely at another male performer who’s jerking off next to you then you might be on the wrong side of the industry? Nevermind, we already know the answer to that one..

*WISH 6* Well, this one should be obvious. A male suck-off during a female gangbang. Although, this wish is purely based on the hope that the hetero. male viewer’s reaction would be hysterically funny.

7. NO STRIP TEASE PLEASE – What in the fuck is the god damn point of this? As a female viewer, all I’m thinking about is how much I like her bra and where did she buy those shoes?

**WISH 7** If you’re going to make me sit through this shit then at least include the manufacturers of all garments and shoes. That way I can shop while waiting for the never-ending dance routine to finally end. I guess I could just hit fast-forward, but I would still appreciate manufacturers names. Thank you.

8. THE VOGUE SYNDROME – No one gives a shit about your “best side” or how you can contort your body into 50 fucking poses while having sex. This isn’t the Miss USA pageant and you’re not a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Just fuck already… it doesn’t have to be that god damn complicated.

**WISH 8** This one annoys me so much that I think posing should be punished with a cum shot to the eye. Sorry, I know this one sounds harsh. But, it’s for your own good. And, you’re welcome.

~Lacey

19 Replies to “A 2014 Wish List for Porn Directors”

  1. JLproductions

    The only thing that is tough about shooting for a good facial is that’s when a majority of your product is depended upon, the rest was just filler.

  2. Lacey Blake

    @JLproductions –
    Totally understood. I think the pop shot is actually one of the more artistic aspects of porn. Seriously. If the pop shot goes directly into mouth then I can handle it. Dare I say that I *might* even like it, but It’s the risk of cum in the eyes that just freaks me out… every single time. Hahaha. 🙂

  3. Lacey Blake

    @Billy – Just because I think the current testing system is an epidemic waiting to happen and is so easily circumvented doesn’t mean I want condoms in my porn either… I just honestly don’t know of any other option that could work at giving performers at least some level of protection?

  4. CPanzram

    @Lacey

    With multiple angles on DVD’s we could get two porns in one. One for the hims and one for hers. Then the debate comes to which angle is the one being watched when couples view the DVD’s.

    I see most guys just picking whatever the lady wants.

  5. Lacey Blake

    @CPanzram –
    YES!!! That is one awesome fucking idea!!
    Plus, depending on the way it’s shot and cut you could get 2 pornos made for the price of 1.

    You come up with some of the best shit… 🙂

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