Well we’re waiting here in allentown, for the pennsylvania we never found

As you know, because the news outlets refuse to let us forget, today is the Pennsylvania Primary. I, for one, can’t wait. l’m sick of all these taped political messages I’m getting on my answering machine. I’m actually looking forward to more of those exciting messages from Mom that go something like this: “Are you there? pick up. Are you there? pick up. Why aren‘t you picking up? I know you’re there. Are you there?” You can tell the “Do Not Call” law was written by a politician because their intrusive messages are exempt. Bastards.

The offspring have been ragging on me because I didn’t attend any of the political rallies that have taken place in the city in the last week or two. It’s been a regular Clintonapalozza here. First, Bill, then Chelsea, then Hillary, and now Bill again. And in the back of my mind I know that we will NEVER. SEE. THESE. PEOPLE. IN. THIS. TOWN. AGAIN.
The conversations went something like this:

Female Offspring #2: “Mom, are you going to see Hillary Clinton?”

Me: “No, I’m working that day. You know I‘m too damn tired to do anything after a 10 hour work day.”

Male Offspring #3: “Well, Chelsea will be in Central Park. Are you going to see her?”

Me: “No, I’m off that day. You know I’m too damn tired to do anything on my days off because when I’m working, I work 10 hour days.” If you remind them often enough, they will leave you alone….

Female Offspring #2: “Mom! When the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile came to town, it was all you talked about for weeks! You took off work, then you got up six hours early to be the first one standing in line.”

Me: “That was different. I took off work and got up early because I thought I was going to get a free hot dog. Or one of those incredibly cool Weinermobile whistles. Gawd, I love those whistles. I could blow that all day long.”

Male Offspring #7: “I bet if Hillary gave away free hot dogs, she’d win.”

Male Offspring #6: “I bet if Hillary gave away free whistles shaped like breasts, she’d win. And I bet if they had hot dogs shaped like breasts, guys would eat them every day.”
Male Offspring #6 is in that “breast loving” phase, which I hear lasts from the day a male is born until the day he dies…or is turned gay.

Female Offspring #2: “Stop talking about breasts! Mom, you really should make an effort to see hear these speeches.”

Me: “Hey, I watch the Daily Show AND The Colbert Report. I am a well-informed American. Now turn on FOX so I can get some completely unbiased news.”

When you do vote today, Pennsylvanians, remember the words of Ben Franklin, who said, “Well DONE is better than well SAID.”

20750cookie-checkWell we’re waiting here in allentown, for the pennsylvania we never found

Well we’re waiting here in allentown, for the pennsylvania we never found

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  1. Mr. Ben Franklin also told a story of a hat maker, to make a point on the importance of “Brevity”. Sadly, an idea completely lost on today’s candidates.

    For those who don’t know the story…

    Franklin told of a hat maker who proposed to advertise with this sign: “John Thompson, Hatter, makes and sells hats for ready money” (with the figure of a hat). But Thompson’s friends urged many deletions: “Hatter” was redundant; “makes” was unnecessary (customers don’t care who made the hat); “sells” was implicit; “hats” was redundant of the figure of a hat; “for ready money” was implicit because selling on credit was not customary. What remained was the core message: “John Thompson” (and the figure of a hat).

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